WARNING This page talks about suicide and mental illness.
If you are experiencing suicidal, substance use or other mental health crises, or are worried about a friend or loved one, in the US call or text the 988 Suicide & Crisis Lifeline or go to 988lifeline.org.
Suicide is a public health issue. In 2023 60 people died by suicide in Westmoreland County. 206 people died by suicide in Allegheny County. Suicide is the 2nd leading cause of death for ages 25-34. The majority of people that die by suicide had a mental illness. Suicide needs to be discussed and brought Out of Darkness as the slogan says. I’ve tried to discuss Killian’s death with acquaintances, but I cry and my nose starts running. It’s just a mess. I know it’s healthy to cry but not without a lot of tissues nearby. This webpage is how I choose to share Killian’s mental health story.
There are so many emotions suicide survivors carry. Grief and trauma are overwhelming. Shame and the stigma suicide deaths carry are unfortunately sometimes included. They are not a part of Killian’s story. He would be embarrassed I have shared his story because he was a private person. Too bad. I hope sharing his story, as I saw it, will help others that are struggling to understand what happened. How a brilliant, sensitive, snarky, fun person can make such a horrible decision.
This is Killian’s mental illness story as I, his mother, saw it.
Late November or early December 2021, Killian shared with his dad and me strange memories he was having. He was very agitated. His stories weren’t making sense. We had to go to his house to assure him there were no cameras in the walls. He had taped over all the nail holes and nicks in the paint to cover where he thought the cameras were.
Killian was agreeable to getting help. Unfortunately, Covid was keeping people out of the office at that time and there was a mental health staffing shortage. It was difficult finding anyone taking new patients. The places making appointments were weeks away. Killian scheduled with a couple places. One therapist interviewed Killian over the phone, I think. He gave permission for her to talk to me. She said he could be bipolar or have a schizoaffective disorder and listed a few other possibilities. Never went farther with her. Killian had an intake interview somewhere else where he was connected with a therapist. They spoke online or on the phone once a week for an hour at most. This therapist was not allowed to talk to me.
Killian’s psychosis escalated. He thought his work wasn’t real, that his coworkers were all robots. They kept giving him the same task over and over every day. They were in on it. He also thought someone messed with his buggy at Target and was filming him. That his neighbors were sending radio waves or lasers through his house. He was driving around getting agitated. Thinking someone was making a video of him driving. Killian would call every day and we’d go round and round about what was real and what wasn’t. He would want us to convince him on the phone that we were who we said we were.
One hour, once a week, on a phone, with a social worker was all the professional help he was getting.
Killian was convinced something was done to him medically. He thought the nurses were conspiring against him while he was under twilight sedation for his heart ablation. They were talking about him. Accusing him of doing something. What did they put in him? Did we know? He also thought something happened to him when he was little. He went through all the papers I had in the filing cabinet and went to the hospital where he was born looking for his medical records. He thought there was a group of people and other kids involved, that they had brainwashed all the kids. He believed his friends were in on it.
Sometimes Killian would acknowledge he was having delusions and that he needed help. Other times he said he was fine and didn’t need help and he was going to stop talking to the therapist. We asked him to move back home but he wasn’t interested. Killian did keep talking to the therapist but he was not being referred, as far as I knew, to see a psychiatrist so I reached out again looking for help. Appointments with psychiatrists were at least month away.
One day, Killian drove to Johnstown to go on a hike. I called or he called for our daily chat. He was hiking on The Path of the Flood Trail. I tell him exercise is good, fresh air. Keeping it calm. We chat about how things are going. He seemed to be having a good day. I ask him if it would be ok for me to reach out to a friend that works in the mental health field. She might know someone that knows someone to get him an earlier appointment with a psychiatrist. Killian said I could call my friend. While I’m on the phone with the friend, Killian calls back, he had decided to follow a deer path up over a hill. Got lost. In the woods. In Johnstown. 55 Miles away. He can’t figure out which way to walk looking at the GPS. He gives me his GPS coordinates and I google map it. He was on the far side of a quarry or something. Luckily, the sun was out, he walked north till he hit rock and was able to cross the quarry to the road, but he couldn’t remember which end of the trail he parked so I sent him to the closest end. It was the wrong end. He ordered an uber to drive him to his car. Killian chatted with the driver on the way and was introduced to making uber money.
Anyway, my friend’s people were all booked up. But they did give info for an online psychiatrist group. Killian got an appointment within a week, I think. The online psychiatrist prescribed Zoloft. Between the Zoloft, taking some time off work, talking to the therapist, reducing stress, whatever, something worked and Killian calmed down and was thinking straight again. Killian gave the therapist permission to talk to me. The therapist said he had generalized anxiety and was smoking too much marijuana. The therapist said Killian was on the right track. Killian had gone back to work and continued life like nothing happened. By March or April 2022 Killian decided he was done talking to the therapist and the psychiatrist and was done taking the medicine. He said that was it. Told us to quit hovering. All was good.
Over the next year and half, every once in a while, Killian would say something off, he would sound a little paranoid. He said the employees at the casino were watching him, and when he went to a time share sales pitch everyone there was talking about him. I’d tell him he was sounding paranoid. He’d say everything was fine. He was just kidding or fluff it off. Killian was very good at hiding what was going on in his head. Except when he drank too much. Killian freaked out on the way home after a summer family function. Out of the blue he started going on about the nurses and how nobody understands what they did to him. He got more and more excited. I had to pull over and get him to calm down. Next day, all was good again. We talked about the possibility of the psychosis coming back and he needed to pay attention to symptoms.
October or November 2023 Killian and family had a game night. Todd said Killian was a little off, different. Thanksgiving, he seemed normal. Early December 2023 Killian told us he thought the psychosis was back. We encouraged him to get his meds refilled and to get back into therapy. He did not want to. He said he was having fun. He did not call everyday like the first episode. He did not seem as frantic as he was in 2021. He said he wasn’t eating much and not sleeping much but didn’t talk about delusions. Only one odd story about a guy running in front of him in the dark on route 30 while driving. He was very concerned with a sound he heard over the phone with his dad. It was opening the fridge door. We kept asking him to get the meds refilled so when it wasn’t so much fun anymore, he would be ready. He said no. At no point did we think Killian was having suicidal thoughts or was depressed. We asked. That was always the question the professionals asked during the first episode. The answer was always no. Which is one reason it was so hard to schedule immediate appointments during the first psychotic episode.
The morning Killian died he was drunk. He wrecked his car. Got into a fight. There was alcohol in his system, up to .207. The detective mentioned all the vape cartridges in Killian’s car. There are no regulations controlling what chemicals are in the vapes (Killian was smoking Delta 8) and he thinks it is contributing to mental illnesses. Add that to Killian’s distorted reality, his reduced impulse control. A molehill becomes a mountain. There may have been other stressors big or small, real or imagined, that played into Killian’s thought process at the time. Maybe he was depressed or struggling and we just didn’t know.
Killian’s brain was donated to the Pittsburgh NIH NeuroBioBank and Tissue Repository. His donation will be used in scientific research for years. The immediate research study using his brain is on The Biological Basis of Serious Diseases. We had the opportunity to share Killian’s story with a Senior Research Psychologist working on the study. We may get feedback in the future from the team’s findings. Some interesting points from our conversation was it is common for people with bipolar disease to not want help. They are having a great time. Also, heart disease and anesthesia both have links to mental illness.
I do not think Killian talked to anyone else about his mental illness, other than his immediate family and the therapists and doctor. The first psychosis was during covid. Nobody went to the office. Everyone communicating with text. Even in person, Killian was not a chatty fella. He said his friends knew about his issues. They did not. I wish I called them. He would have been so miffed! He would have never trusted me again, never talk to me. He would have, I could have, it doesn’t matter.
Thinking about what could have happened, past or future, is a rabbit hole. It is dark and has no end. It does no good and doesn’t matter. What matters is Killian was loved. He had family, friends, coworkers, a home, a career and hobbies.
I don’t know how to finish this story. I would prefer to work on the other webpage celebrating Killian’s life. Losing Killian has left a huge hole in my life. A giant gaping pit with raw jagged edges. They say the edges will soften. Remembering Killian as the beautiful person he was helps.
